Co-Regulation and ADHD: Why Your Child Needs Your Nervous System, Not Just Better Coping Skills

We're excited to feature a local therapist, Olivia Tomfohrde from Tomfohrde Therapy and Consulting, on our blog! We met Olivia after she moved into our building and have enjoyed getting to know her professionally and personally. Check out her Instagram for helpful back to school reminders and her website for more information about options for therapy and upcoming ADHD support groups for both parents and kids (with ADHD and anxiety).

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You’ve spent a lot of time teaching your child coping skills. You’ve read all the parenting books, listened to the podcasts, and taken them to therapy. They can tell you to take a deep breath, they know how to ask for a break, use a fidget, count to 10, and a variety of other coping skills. You’ve practiced these techniques together, you’ve helped them learn how to implement them at school, at home, and with peers. Yet, there are times where it seems like those skills have completely disappeared.

For many parents, especially those with children with ADHD, this can be incredibly frustrating. You’ve spent so much time and energy working with them on their ability to stay regulated. Your child doesn’t need more coping skills, they need help accessing the skills they already have.

ADHD is About More Than Paying Attention

When we think about ADHD we often think about hyperactivity, lack of attention, or impulsive behavior. But ADHD also impacts the way children experience and manage their emotions.

The team at Monarch has discussed this in their article on ADHD and emotional regulation, children with ADHD may experience intense emotional reactions, they may be quick to feel frustrated, struggle to go with the flow, and have a hard time calming down once they get upset.

This means that your child may know what to do when they are upset, but their emotions are so overwhelming that they can’t access that information or their skills when they’re upset.

You’ve probably experienced this for yourself. Think of a time where you were so upset that you knew you needed to step away, take a breath, or noticed that you were thinking irrationally. Though you may have noticed what was going on, that didn’t mean that you could immediately use your skills, maybe you sat in that dysregulation longer than you’d like to.

Children with ADHD are often asked to use executive functioning and regulation skills at the time when they are most dysregulated. And it’s much harder to use our skills when we’re at the point of max emotional dysregulation.

This is where co-regulation becomes important.

What is Co-Regulation

Co-regulation is a process where two people regulate their emotions through their relationship with each other. For children, their parents and caregivers are often the default relationships where this process happens.

Children aren’t able to regulate their emotions on their own, they must learn how to regulate their emotions through you. Regulation develops over time through ongoing interactions with parents and other people. Before children can learn to regulate themselves they need to have the experience of being calmed with someone.

Research has shown that parents who are able to regulate their own emotions and respond sensitively and flexibly to their children can help support the development of stronger emotional and behavioral regulation in their children.

For children with ADHD, who already struggle with flexibility, impulse control, and emotional regulation, this parent co-regulation relationship is an incredibly important part of learning emotional regulation and the first step to being able to use their coping skills on their own.

The Role of the Parents Nervous System

Now here comes the tricky part. Your own regulation. In order to support your child’s regulation and ability to calm themselves, you have to be able to do it for yourself. And this is more than just not yelling at them. Children are able to tell when your voice doesn’t match the rest of your body. They can pick up on when you’re tense, angry, and overwhelmed. If regulation is hard for you, get support. Getting support for yourself is often the best way to support your child. You can read more about this in my blog on therapy for parents.

To provide good co-regulation, you must address the dysregulation that is happening in your own body when they won’t put on their shoes, when they forgot their homework again, when they snuck extra screentime, or lied to you about something that happened at school. And I get it, that’s much easier said than done.

When your child’s nervous system becomes dysregulated, yours will often respond with dysregulation as well. This is normal, this doesn’t mean you are doing something wrong, this is just what happens when we are part of a relationship.

This means that the most useful question to ask yourself when your child is upset is not “how do I get my child to calm down”, but rather, “What is happening to me right now?” Paying attention to your own body, your own thoughts and reactions, gives you direction on what you need to focus on for yourself.

Regulate First. Teach Second

When a child is dysregulated it’s really tempting to talk more. Parents are often driven to explain to them why their behavior is wrong, what they should do instead, ask them questions to get to the bottom of it, and tell them what coping skill to use.

This often backfires. A dysregulated child can’t hear you or think critically about their behavior when they are upset. This is the time to do less, not more.

Slow down, lower your voice, use fewer words, focusing on relaxing your posture, give your child space if they need it, and stay nearby if connection is helpful.

Instead of:

“We talked about this! You know that if you don’t bring home your homework you lose your screentime and crying about it isn’t going to help you get it back. You need to take a deep breath and calm down”

Try:

“I know. You really wanted screentime tonight. The iPad is done for tonight. I’m here if you need me”

The boundary didn’t change, the rule didn’t go away, what did change was the amount of information you asked your child to take in.

Co-Regulation is not removing boundaries, getting rid of rules, or permissive parenting. You can still be calm and say no. You can validate your child’s emotions and disappointment and still hold a limit. You can understand why a behavior happened without saying that it was okay. Your child may get upset, they may get more emotional for a while, but in the long run boundaries are easier for children to tolerate. An adult who holds boundaries feels predictable and regulated.

Your Child Still Needs Coping Skills

Focusing on co-regulation doesn’t mean we stop teaching our children ways to handle their emotions. Coping skills matter and are necessary to have. Children with ADHD can learn a lot from coping skills, they can learn how their body is affected by movement, they can learn to notice when they are getting overwhelmed, they can learn how to ask for a break, and when to get sensory input for regulation. But the timing when use in asking them to use these coping skills matters.

Trying to teach a child to use a coping skill in the middle of a meltdown is like teaching someone to swim when they fall off a boat. The first priority should be helping them get their head above the water and starting to breathe. Once they’re calmed down and they feel safe, then you can teach them how to swim.

When your child is upset, first focus on co-regulation. Later on, once their nervous system and brain is back online you can revisit what happened, talk about how to handle the situation in the future, and discuss consequences.

A coping skill is only helpful if a child can access it when they really need it. For many kids with ADHD connection and co-regulation have to happen before they can access that skill.

You won’t stay calm every time, parents are human and it can be exhausting to parent children who are struggling with big emotions. The day to day battles can take a toll on your nervous system and many parents find that the time they need to recharge for themselves feels non-existent.

Remember, the goal of co-regulation is not to be a perfectly calm parent all the time, the goal is to build a relationship in which co-regulation is possible, and no relationship is perfect all the time.

And don’t worry, this phase of parenting will not last forever. Co-regulation is a step toward independent regulation (the ultimate goal!). With time and practice your children will be able to put their skills in action and become the master of their own nervous system.

Olivia Tomfohrde, PhD, LMFT, is a therapist and owner of Tomfohrde Therapy and Consulting in Eden Prairie, Minnesota. She specializes in supporting parents and families navigating anxiety, ADHD, trauma, emotional dysregulation, and other challenges. When a child is diagnosed with ADHD or anxiety, parents often receive a long list of ways to support their child but far less support for themselves. Olivia works with parents to better understand their child, manage their own stress and emotional responses, and navigate the ways parenting can bring up experiences from their own past. Therapy for parents provides a space to feel supported while building the confidence and skills to create meaningful change for the whole family.