When the Holidays Are Hard: Supporting Yourself and Your Kids Through a Difficult Season
- Monarch
- 11 hours ago
- 6 min read
The holiday season is often portrayed as a time of joy, connection, and celebration. Commercials show glowing families around dinner tables, social media feeds filled with matching pajamas, and conversations at school or work often center on plans for travel and festivities. But for many families, the holidays are not only complicated—they can be painful. If your family is coping with trauma, grief, divorce, a tough co-parenting dynamic, chronic stress, or past holiday memories that carry heaviness, the season may feel like more of a minefield than a celebration. You might find yourself juggling your own emotional reactions while trying to protect your children from overwhelm, disappointment, or triggers. You might feel pressure to “make this year magical,” even when your capacity feels limited.
If any of this resonates, you’re not alone. The holidays can be hard for many families, especially those navigating change or healing. The good news: You can support yourself and your children with intention, compassion, and realistic expectations. This year doesn’t have to be perfect—it just needs to be grounded, safe, and nurturing enough. Below are trauma-informed, research-supported strategies to help your family weather a difficult holiday season with resilience and care.
1. Give Yourself Permission to Feel What You Feel
Holidays come with expectations—many of them unspoken, but deeply internalized. Parents often feel they must maintain a cheerful, stable exterior, even when their internal world feels anything but.
But the truth is: Your feelings deserve space. You are allowed to feel sadness, frustration, loneliness, or even relief during the holidays. You’re allowed to feel all of them at the same time. In fact, giving yourself permission to experience the full range of your emotions can help you become a more grounded, present parent.
What this looks like in real life:
You acknowledge, “I notice the holidays bring up a lot for me,” instead of forcing a smile.
You take a moment alone in your room to breathe or cry instead of pushing the emotions down.
You model honesty in a kid-accessible way: “I’m feeling a little sad today, but I’m glad we’re together.”
When we label our feelings with gentle honesty, kids learn it’s safe for them to do the same. Emotional authenticity—done in a contained, developmentally appropriate way—helps children build emotional intelligence and resilience.
2. Create Predictability—Even If You’re Changing Traditions
For families with trauma histories, unpredictability can be especially triggering. This is true for adults and children. The brain interprets uncertainty as danger, even when the danger isn’t real.
That’s why building predictability into your holiday season matters—especially if your traditions are changing after a divorce, loss, or major family shift.
Predictability can include:
Going over the plan for the day every morning.
Having a shared calendar on the fridge with upcoming events.
Keeping bedtime and mealtimes consistent.
Letting children know who they’ll see, what time you’ll leave, and what to expect.
If the usual traditions feel too painful or overwhelming this year, you can create new ones that are calmer, smaller, or simpler.
For example:
Instead of a big dinner, you might have a “cozy holiday breakfast” in pajamas.
Instead of a day packed with activities, you might choose one special outing.
Instead of multiple gatherings, you might choose the one that feels most supportive.
Predictability reduces anxiety, and reduced anxiety creates space for connection.
3. Tell Kids the Truth in Age-Appropriate Ways
Children are extremely perceptive. They notice tension, whispers, changes in routine, or shifts in your emotional tone—even if no one says a word. When they don’t understand what’s happening, they often fill in the blanks with their own interpretations (“I must have done something wrong” or “Something bad is going to happen”).
Clear, simple, honest communication gives children a sense of safety.
For younger children (3–8):
Keep the explanation short and reassuring:
“Our family has been through some hard things, so this holiday might look different. But we’re safe, and we will spend it together.”
“It’s okay if we feel sad or mixed up sometimes. I feel that too.”
For older kids and teens:
Invite dialogue:
“What’s the hardest part of the holidays for you this year?”
“Does anything feel different or confusing about this season?”
“Are there traditions you want to keep? Anything you want to skip?”
The goal isn’t to fix or erase their feelings—it’s to help them feel seen, understood, and not alone.
4. Build in “Opt-Out Options”
Holiday events can be overstimulating. Noise, crowds, unfamiliar relatives, disrupted routines—all of these can overwhelm kids, especially those who are neurodivergent, highly sensitive, or healing from trauma.
Giving your child the option to step away (rather than forcing them to power through) is not “spoiling” them—it’s helping them regulate.
Helpful opt-out tools:
A quiet space at gatherings where they can color, read, or decompress.
A code word or hand signal that means, “I need a break.”
A pre-built plan for leaving early if needed.
Bringing headphones, a weighted lap pad, fidgets, or a familiar comfort object.
Allowing time-limited participation (“We’ll stay 30 minutes, then see how you feel.”)
When kids know they have agency, their anxiety often decreases, and their behavior improves—not because they’re being “good,” but because their nervous system feels supported.
5. Focus on Regulation First—Connection Second—Tradition Third
We often try to jump straight to connection or tradition because we want the holidays to feel memorable and meaningful. But for dysregulated kids (and dysregulated adults), connection and tradition feel inaccessible until their nervous systems settle.
Regulation always comes first.
Regulation strategies for younger kids:
Rocking or rhythmic movement.
Deep pressure hugs or squeezes.
Playing outside.
Taking a warm bath.
Doing a slow breathing game like “blow the pretend candle.”
Regulation strategies for older children and teens:
Listening to calming music.
Going for a walk or drive.
Using progressive muscle relaxation.
Taking a screen break.
Journaling or using a grounding exercise like 5-4-3-2-1.
Regulation strategies for parents:
Brief moments of deep breathing.
Checking in with yourself (“What’s happening in my body?”).
Letting yourself step away from chaos—yes, you’re allowed.
Asking another adult to step in when you need a minute.
Pausing your own internal expectations.
When you’re regulated, children borrow your calm through co-regulation, making everything that follows easier.
6. Protect Your Energy: Boundaries Are Healthy, Not Harsh
Holiday boundaries can feel uncomfortable, especially if family or cultural expectations are strong. But boundaries are not about shutting people out—they’re about creating conditions where your family can function safely and emotionally sustainably.
Examples of healthy boundaries during the holidays:
“We’re keeping this year quiet, so we won’t be attending every event.”
“We’ll stay for one hour.”
“We are not discussing topics that make people uncomfortable.”
“We’re keeping gifts simple this year.”
“We’re creating new traditions that feel right for our family right now.”
Your child will benefit more from your emotional stability than from any specific tradition, recipe, or gathering.
7. Incorporate Gentle Moments of Connection
Trauma-informed care emphasizes “micro-moments”—brief but meaningful moments of attunement between parent and child. These small interactions accumulate and create a sense of safety and attachment, even during stressful seasons.
Small connection rituals might include:
A nightly “rose and thorn” reflection.
A short bedtime check-in.
Making hot chocolate and watching a simple holiday show.
Decorating one small corner of the house together.
Doing a “comfort holiday” rather than a “performance holiday.”
Cooking one favorite recipe instead of an entire feast.
Connection is most powerful when it is warm, consistent, and low-pressure.
8. Seek Support—for Yourself, Too
Parents who are carrying grief, trauma, or stress deserve support, not self-blame. Reaching out for help doesn’t mean you’re failing—it means you’re aware of your limits, and that’s a form of strength.
Support might look like:
Attending therapy regularly during this season.
Letting a friend help with childcare or errands.
Saying “yes” when someone offers to bring a meal.
Joining a support group for grief, trauma, or single parenting.
Using community events or religious gatherings for structure and connection.
Asking a co-parent or relative to take something off your plate.
You are allowed to have needs. Meeting them helps your children feel safer, too.
9. Remind Your Kids (and Yourself): Hard Holidays Do Not Equal a Broken Family
It’s easy to scroll through social media or watch holiday movies and feel like your family doesn’t measure up. But those images are curated—they are not reality. Many families are struggling, grieving, transitioning, or healing, even if their holiday cards suggest otherwise.
A hard holiday season simply means your family is human. Difficult years don’t last forever. Grief softens. Traditions evolve. Children grow. New memories emerge alongside the old ones. And healing often happens quietly, in the small moments of gentleness you offer each other when the world says you’re supposed to be cheerful.
If this holiday season feels heavy, tender, or complicated, please know that nothing is wrong with you. Nothing is wrong with your child. Trauma impacts how we experience time, memory, and connection—and the holidays often amplify those feelings. What matters most is not creating the “perfect” holiday. It’s creating a season that reflects your family’s real needs: safety, connection, honesty, predictability, and compassion. You can do this slowly, imperfectly, and with as much gentleness as possible. That is more than enough.
ADHD - Autism - Executive Functioning - Learning Disorders
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